Life As I Know It

Just a short update on things. January 4th made it 1 year since Mary has been gone, and the following weeks after have been sad memories of the days that followed. Now we have Feb 4th coming, which will be one year ago that we laid her to rest.

Any of you visiting the mausoleum on Feb 4th, please take a flower for me? Whisper and tell her that I love her. Tell her that I miss her.

Feb 9th is the readiness trial where the judge gets the prosecution and the defense together to see where they stand and if they’re ready to proceed with jury trial. Our victims advocate told us that it is not uncommon for them to push for continuances in a murder case like this, and that we should be prepared for the possibility that it may take longer before we hit a real trial date. At this point they (the defense and then the prosecution each) should have been working with psychologists/psychiatrists to see what mental state Matthew is in (seriously?).

So that’s where things are right now.

Michael flew out to stay with us for 2 weeks during Christmas, and I cannot tell you how happy it made me having him close for the holidays. I put on my brave face at my in-laws for x-mas dinner, but was silently screaming and in a constant state of panic on the inside. No one ever prepares you for how devastating life is after a child is so violently ripped away from you.

The Web

“Even as I rocked on my knees, howling, I detected soft breathing behind the roaring. I leaned in, listened. It was the murmuring of ten million mothers, backward and forward in time and right now, who had also lost children. They were lifting me, holding me. They had woven a net of their broken hearts, and they were keeping me safe there. I realized that one day I would take my rightful place as a link in this web, and I would hold my sister-mothers when their children died. For now my only task was to grieve and be cradled in their love.”


I flew in to Seattle this past Friday the 18th to spend the weekend with my son, x-husband, and loved ones. It was Mary’s 23rd birthday. The first birthday that we would spend without her, and while it was deeply painful it was also very comforting. Comforting and peaceful to be with Michael, Bob, Shellie, Vicki, Daryl, and the twins Taylor and Bre. I love them so very much. I don’t think any of them know just how much I needed them, or perhaps they do because they needed me just as much. It did my soul good to be there with them. I was also happy to see all of the others that showed up at Bob’s house for the birthday gathering (and so sorry that I missed seeing a few of you). I love you all, always and forever.

I miss you so much, Mary. Mommy’s heart aches deeply for you every single day.

I Hate You

Lindsey Leupold I hate you, I hate your brother Matthew, and I hate your son Dallas for killing my daughter. I never thought that I could hate this deeply and this passionately… may you see what you’ve done on every night that you close your eyes. May the guilt of what you did to her eat away at your mind and may you never have a moment of peace. May everyone you know turn against you, and may you never harm another child. So mote it be.