Surviving Loss

When you survive loss
everyone is quick to tell you how
strong you are, and how tough you must be.
But actually, no one has a choice to survive grief
do they… it’s not optional. You just have to cry
in the shower, sob into your pillow and
pray you will make it

– Zoe Clark-Coats –

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Life As I Know It

Just a short update on things. January 4th made it 1 year since Mary has been gone, and the following weeks after have been sad memories of the days that followed. Now we have Feb 4th coming, which will be one year ago that we laid her to rest.

Any of you visiting the mausoleum on Feb 4th, please take a flower for me? Whisper and tell her that I love her. Tell her that I miss her.

Feb 9th is the readiness trial where the judge gets the prosecution and the defense together to see where they stand and if they’re ready to proceed with jury trial. Our victims advocate told us that it is not uncommon for them to push for continuances in a murder case like this, and that we should be prepared for the possibility that it may take longer before we hit a real trial date. At this point they (the defense and then the prosecution each) should have been working with psychologists/psychiatrists to see what mental state Matthew is in (seriously?).

So that’s where things are right now.

Michael flew out to stay with us for 2 weeks during Christmas, and I cannot tell you how happy it made me having him close for the holidays. I put on my brave face at my in-laws for x-mas dinner, but was silently screaming and in a constant state of panic on the inside. No one ever prepares you for how devastating life is after a child is so violently ripped away from you.

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The Web

“Even as I rocked on my knees, howling, I detected soft breathing behind the roaring. I leaned in, listened. It was the murmuring of ten million mothers, backward and forward in time and right now, who had also lost children. They were lifting me, holding me. They had woven a net of their broken hearts, and they were keeping me safe there. I realized that one day I would take my rightful place as a link in this web, and I would hold my sister-mothers when their children died. For now my only task was to grieve and be cradled in their love.”

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