“Even as I rocked on my knees, howling, I detected soft breathing behind the roaring. I leaned in, listened. It was the murmuring of ten million mothers, backward and forward in time and right now, who had also lost children. They were lifting me, holding me. They had woven a net of their broken hearts, and they were keeping me safe there. I realized that one day I would take my rightful place as a link in this web, and I would hold my sister-mothers when their children died. For now my only task was to grieve and be cradled in their love.”
I flew in to Seattle this past Friday the 18th to spend the weekend with my son, x-husband, and loved ones. It was Mary’s 23rd birthday. The first birthday that we would spend without her, and while it was deeply painful it was also very comforting. Comforting and peaceful to be with Michael, Bob, Shellie, Vicki, Daryl, and the twins Taylor and Bre. I love them so very much. I don’t think any of them know just how much I needed them, or perhaps they do because they needed me just as much. It did my soul good to be there with them. I was also happy to see all of the others that showed up at Bob’s house for the birthday gathering (and so sorry that I missed seeing a few of you). I love you all, always and forever.
I miss you so much, Mary. Mommy’s heart aches deeply for you every single day.
Lindsey Leupold I hate you, I hate your brother Matthew, and I hate your son Dallas for killing my daughter. I never thought that I could hate this deeply and this passionately… may you see what you’ve done on every night that you close your eyes. May the guilt of what you did to her eat away at your mind and may you never have a moment of peace. May everyone you know turn against you, and may you never harm another child. So mote it be.
Too often I have to stop and ask myself why I have this need to reach out to a total complete stranger to share my pain with them. As soon as you tell them that your child was recently murdered, they get this blank look on their faces, and in your own head you’re asking yourself why you ever opened your mouth. I don’t know why this need exists. This need to tell people that monsters are real, and that they took my child from me. I just know that it’s there (this all consuming need) and ever present. I wish death was not such an uncomfortable thing to talk about. It’s like this presence that hovers around you and follows you everywhere. You just feel like grabbing anyone who will listen, shaking them and screaming in their face that she’s gone and she isn’t coming back.
I am forever grateful for my husband and those around me who love me. I am especially grateful for those who magically appeared from the woodwork when Mary died, those who I had not seen or heard from since childhood. I know I’ve been distant, and for that I’m sorry (I owe a few of you a phone call). And while I may smile, post a joke or two, or hit Like once in awhile, I am still broken. The joy that I found in a lot of things, those things just don’t seem that fun anymore so I find other things to occupy my time and keep my mind off of things. Know that I love you. Know that while I may not talk to you that it’s not personal. Thank you to those who are sticking by me in my silence. I’m still here, in pieces, but I’m here. Thank you.